As a paint and sip artist and instructor, I hear tons of hilarious (and sometimes insulting) questions. I have a little sympathy because I know that my customers have no idea what all art entails, but everyone has their limits. I do not recall ever going to my surgeon and asking if they have ever performed surgery before; so why would a customer at our studio feel the need to ask their instructor if he or she has ever painted before? Sadly, this does happen, and it only gets worse from there. Here are 10 of the most annoying questions I hear as a paint and sip instructor, on an almost daily basis, answered very dramatically. Enjoy.
Have you ever painted before?
Who’s dick do you think I sucked to get this job? No sweetie, I’m just here to insult you and get my jollies off. “What is this fur stick you have given me and why am I smearing color on a canvas with it?! What even is a canvas?! What is this black magic?!”
Why does your painting look better than mine?
Well Debbie, I paid 30,000 dollars to be good at this. But no, yours will look better than mine even though this is the first time you have ever held a paintbrush in your damn life.
Can you just paint this for me?
SURE! ITS NOT LIKE I HAVE 30 OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS CLASS OR ANYTHING! For fuck sake, I am not your art slave. You’re 56 Debbie, act like it.
Can I bring my 3 year old to your 9 until 11 pm class?
I would rather have alcohol poisoning. *takes shot*
*Shows up for 2 hour class an hour late* Can I still paint?
Well Debbie, here we are again. First, Could you even paint to begin with? Second, sure, but I’m kickin’ your ass to the curb in 60 minutes. Tic Toc Cunt.
Can I have your painting and just leave mine here?
No one wants your shit, Debbie. The dumpster is out back.
Can I reserve a private party?
Me: “How many people do you have?”
Customer: “I have 8… ”
Me: “We require a minimum of 15…”
Customer: “I have 8…”
Me: “Get out.”