Ever seen a Hallmark Christmas movie? Ever go to bed crying because you’ve just realized that shit will never happen to you? Yeah, me either. Hallmark movie characters have it all, and if they start out with nothing they end the movie on a high note. Whether that means getting the man/woman with a heart of gold or that house everyone in town has pitched in to buy because they are the sweetest, most selfless, caring, dumb ass group of people ever. Most likely both, though. It seems like they have all the time in the world too. Makeups always on point at 7am. Clothes are always seasonally acceptable and put together. Real people would have to wake up at 4 am to be able to do all the shit they are able to do before work or school. They always get to have a perfect snowy romantic Christmas. Plus they only have to have 5 convos with someone before they are head over heels in love. Gag.
I curse like a sailor, roll the fuck out of bed and go to work in the first t-shirt I find, and my hair gets brushed a max of 3 times a week. I have 3 friends, not a whole town full. That’s too much work, and I have enough trouble staying in touch with the very lucky 3 I do have. Makeup is reserved for bar nights and selfies only. You won’t ever see me out the house earlier than I need to be. Perfect snowy Christmas? Never happened. I live somewhere that’s been lovingly nicknamed the devil’s armpit. The last two Christmases here I had to dress for summer because it was too hot for cute boots and adorable sweaters, and when it does get below 60 I’m freezing, so I bundle up in men’s sweatpants and my pawpaw’s sweater. Super fucking cute. And the last romantic Christmas I had was when I was 16 and my idiot of a teenage boyfriend threw up on me from too much “holiday cheer”. Oh, young love. So far out of all the convos I’ve had with the men of my generation I’m grateful to say I haven’t fallen for not one of them…yet. As nice as it would be to have a Hallmark Christmas Movie IRL, it’s just never going to happen for me. I’m surprisingly dealing fine, though. The whiskey helps. Just fuck those movies that make me question my life for 3 months out of the year. Did you know that its constant flow of corny ass movies from October 31st to the middle of January, plus they have Christmas in July? It feels like my grandma is asking me “when are you gonna give me great grand babies?” 10 times a day for 3 months straight. Just fuck it. I’ll find myself a man who loves my vulgar mouth and bed head. All in due time, yall.
Merry fucking Christmas,
Me, myself, and I